Catharsis...

Not sure how to begin this, since it's been so long between posts. The good thing is that this post will be virtually ignored. Some things should best be expressed. Maybe blogging isn't the best way to do that.

I'm reminded of the current psa on the boob tube which shows a tweener girl first enjoying the attention she is getting. But as the commercial goes, she comes to realize that lots of other folks...not necessarily the most desirable ones...are also viewing her online postings. The creepy, yet nerdy, usher at the movies who asks her her underwear color may be the funniest. (For the record, mine are briefs...whitey tightys...think "Homer Simpson" with out the "Mister Plow" jacket dancing around the house.) Hey, pervs! Doesn't quite have the same titillation when done by a fat, bald guy, eh?

I've had a rough week. Rough summer, more like it. And while others in the theme park biz are jumping for joy with full-time now done, I've felt both disoriented and rudderless. Eventually, it will dawn on me to plan out some times to do repairs and such while also putting my home studio back to order from the shambles it now is. And get back to some drawing. But this week has been more "out running the dragon."

For those not knowing my expression for that, it is code for the feeling of a wave of depression beginning to overtake me. I have to do things to stay ahead of the "dragon." Focus harder. Find things to occupy my mind and spirit. Sometimes it is tough. Some times it is inevitable that the "dragon" will over take me. And it hurts.

Of late have been the realizations of things I can't change. One of those things is the position of "outsider." My wife hates when I get this way, but I've never felt like I "belonged" anywhere. Of late, she and I aren't on the same page and I'm unsure of how to rectify that. I've been at the park so much that I don't feel comfortable at home. Stupid really.

As "boss," I will always be "outside," and should be. This smacked me hard as I worked around 3 of my folks last Friday. They are survivors. The ones who came from Kodak to Kaman's. The only ones. (I should know. I hired them, and only them.) And as they worked that night, I could tell a kindredness and kinship. Me? On the outside looking in. At the park, I'm not with the other managers because I'm not a Cedar Fair employee. There. But definitely not one of "them." The walking around from problem to problem helps me to stay ahead of the dragon.

Both Becky and I have felt like outsiders at our church. And have felt like such for years. There, just not quite belonging no matter how much we tried to get involved.

We used to talk about situations we've observed, such as those who seem to come into situations...high school, jobs, churches, etc., and immediately just seem to fit. Others never do. So in a way, a catharsis for this is the acceptance that I will always be an outsider. Maybe it helps me to see through the crap and some of the conning that goes on.

I've had some rather unique cathartic moments of late. About a month ago when it was up in 100+ degrees, I was a bit dehydrated and my knees were hurting. As I was going up the staircase to the Wave Pool, I was looking down and clutching the hand rail, but as I began to look up, I saw a magnificently sculpted female tush in a skimpy bikini bottom sauntering and swaying back and forth as she, too, ascended the staircase ahead of me. And while this might not be the best thing for a "righteous man" to post, what jolted me was the realization that, at the same time, the PA system was blaring the Raspberries hit tune, "Go All the Way." I was both exasperated and tickled. It was sensual and hilarious at the same time. And when I did make it to my vehicle, I spent some time giggling and laughing.

Last Saturday, another catharsis came when I ran into someone I'd gone to high school with. I really do hate running into people I know from my past. It was a time when I had a full head of hair, only one chin, and a waist! Later, after closing of Oceans, I took out all essentials from my pockets and just jumped into a pool fully-clothed. It felt good even though the wife complained of my making for of a mess and more laundry.

This past Wednesday I saw one of my employees off as she headed off to college. She had worked hard for me this season. A lot of the success we had, particularly at Oceans, I would give a lot of credit to her. But I also know that in the scheme of her life it(the job, other employees and friends, me, the season) were all in the "rear view mirror." And should be. What I learned was the harsh lesson that instead of being in someone else's "rear view mirror," the question is what, and/or who, is in mine? Where are my dreams and goals? Where is life taking me?

So I mark time a bit, looking to see this upcoming Labor Day Weekend to its finish. I will be bidding my "second mistress," Oceans of Fun, goodbye. And I will find it sad. I put a lot of sweat and tears into trying to make that venue a go this season. In many ways, we were quite successful. But it comes to an end. And in the scheme of things, I don't think it really mattered.

But it's time for bed, and to get up early to get some things ready for the day. Some things mundane. Some things exciting. Some things rather unpleasant, but necessary.

Good night! And I do promise to get this back to what it was intended...a sketch blog.