Friday, March 6, 2009

All that we see or seem...

March is here. I hear a cardinal outside singing his heart out. Another rough February is behind me, although this one was mild by comparison.

Fighting through this funk to draw more has been daunting, but I keep telling myself I've been drawing more than in the past. It seems that with the arm and hand surgeries, the knee surgeries, etc., that I just lost my "umpf!" It's hard to get it back.

I've been having really weird dreams of late. Surrealistic, for the most part. Crazy things. But every now and then, I have a dream that feels differently, like it has a grounding in reality.

A few years ago, I had one like that. Very real. Too real. I was going to take my daughters to their first day of the school year. Why that would be strange is that I only have one daughter, and she would've been 20/21 at the time. These were 2 "extra" children. My wife and I talked about having 4 when we were engaged and first married. We ended up with 3--2 boys and a girl. In the "dream," we not only had the real 3, but had spawned 2 more. Their names are "Megan" and "Emily."

We were also living in Maryville, MO in the house my folks used to own, an older house with lots of old oak decorations on the inside and stained glass windows. I'd always thought a wedding at that house would've been beautiful with the bride descending the great oak staircase with the huge stained glass window behind her.

I've always teased my kids. Given them a certain amount of crap. Even the kids I've worked with through the years have gotten a lot of ribbing. They all seemed to know it was in good fun, and some even learned how to "give it back," which I always found refreshing. My daughter, Rachel, has a deadpan "Why are you giving me crap?" expression coupled with a gleam in her eye of "I'll be deciding which rest home you'll be going to." In my dream, "Emily" was giving me the same look as I was teasing her about going to her first days at junior high school. I remember reaching out and lightly pinching her on the face, tweaking her cheek and saying "Don't you look cute today!" That really got me a deathray stare from her. I've never had the sensation of touch in a dream, except for this one. Oh, I've seen and heard things. Have had the sensation of falling. But this one was all 1st person point of view. I told both my wife and daughter about this particular dream, which, sadly, I've never had again. They both looked at each other, then laughed, and said I was going off the deep end. My wife was intrigued that we had more kids. I'm not sure Rachel would've enjoyed more siblings. At times, I have a sense of sadness. Loss. Maybe it's just part of the melancholy I need to get out of. But it was all so real.

Lately, when my wife is talking to the new puppies, she's given them middle names. She's been calling Daisy, "Daisy Megan," and Sally, "Sally Emily." Says they are our "2 other kids," but that doesn't seem right to me.

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